BIFF Communication: Responding to Hostile Messages

BIFF stands for Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm. It is a structured way to answer difficult, hostile or manipulative messages — without getting drawn into an argument. It was developed for high-conflict situations including separation and divorce.

The four parts

• Brief — one to three sentences. Long replies invite point-by-point attack.
• Informative — state a fact or answer the question, nothing more.
• Friendly — a neutral, courteous tone. Not warm, not sarcastic.
• Firm — end with what you will or won't do, calmly.

Worked example

Message received: "You are deliberately keeping the children from me. You've always been selfish and controlling. I want them this weekend and I want it now."

Unhelpful reply: "You're the one who never showed up. Don't call me controlling when you..."

BIFF reply:

"The children's weekend schedule is the one we agreed on 12 October. I'll follow that. If you'd like to discuss changes, I'm available by email."

Why it works: it ignores the insults, restates the fact, keeps a neutral tone, and closes with a clear boundary.

When to use it

• Texts or emails with accusations, blame or threats
• Messages that demand an immediate emotional reaction
• Anything you may later need to show a third party

Educational information only — not legal or psychological advice.

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